In about thirty hours from now on, I am moving. It´s going to be the twenties time. And since a few days I am almost not moving with any of the related tasks at all.
I feel like paralyzed and there is a silent voice inside saying "not again, I am exhausted."
The universe was saying the past few days, I should simply dance with life and trust that this is all for my very best and in fact an upgrade.
This is hard to believe for my mind and according to my mind this current place is the best I have ever placed my foot on and my mind was thinking I am going to stay here for a really long time, I mean until I get married and its time to move in a family home.
There is no marriage on the horizon and I still have to move out. Very hard to comprehend for the limited mind. The mental struggle since this request of my realtor to move out and make space for her son was enorm.
In order to relax, I instantly connected with heaven to find more out about the purpose of this adventure, that I felt I had not signed up for and heaven said, its time to move on.
I have been also told that I will have to leave this village behind and that the hermit time is over and its time to be closer to people and to the place where I am planning to rent a venue for my classes and sessions this year.
In the past one and half years I have been living in my little paradise, basically on the hill in the middle of a 4000 square meter forest, in the only house around.
No neighbours, almost no cars and only some reindeers or giant bunnies visiting from time to time.
My only companion my beloved mountain Sonfjället (Sun-Mountain). Very often when I woke up in the mornings, I was moved to tears and my gratitude instantly went up to the roof. I felt really blessed.
I know, some think, I was too blessed.
I really deeply enjoyed every moment here and around the home. I also know that I have been "working" for this grace in many life times.
Until this day, I still dont fully understand my connection to this mountain, but I know, when I saw it for the first time, I cried and deeply hoped that my new home would be somehow close to it.
But I found a spot in my old village where I could go and see this mountain from there. And I did it frequently. I sat for hours and meditated, connected with its power remotely and bathed in its frequency.
It was a two steps-moving program I had to join to finally end up here, right in front of it and experience true bliss.
Waking up in the morning and seeing the mountain from my bed, was by far the best panorama I ever had and I could sit there and look at it for hours. I often prayed that I can stay in This corner of the Earth.
But heaven had obviously other plans.
When I first heard I have to leave the village, I drove around the very next day in an area fifteen minutes from here, an even smaller village, but located by a lake and with complete sunny mountain view, from truly almost every house and cottage.
Absolutely mind blowing.
I of course had to realize that no one wants to move away from there or rent out even the tiniest cottage.
Even they are standing free for the most part of the year. They are owned by some downtown people with very good karma who can afford to have a summer or winter house up here, just for Christmas, Easter and Midsummer. Lucky them.
As I slowly began to accept that the mountain-panorama-time is over and that I will have to explore some other villages, even quite far away from here, the universe provided me out of the blue a pretty much dream house, with exact the same view but a little more zoomed out, down in my village.
My head again had some struggle to adapt and accept the gift, even after all could be handled easily with the old and new realtor and the move was moved to happen two month faster than originally planned.
I asked the heavens team for explanation, how come that they told me that I would have to leave the village and they said, they wanted to test me, if I had too much attachments to that mountain or the people in the village.
But as I immediately said, that I will move where ever I am sent, I was rewarded with a very nice future home.
I asked for specific signs and they were delivered also, like two chinese charachters in the entrance hall and birds lights hanging from the balcony roof.
All seemed truly arranged by a magic hand a long time ago but then I ended up still having doubts, like maybe I am really too attached to the mountain and the village and I am not passing the test at all by moving in there, I should rather follow the previous guidance etc.
Haeven had some compassion with me and a sollution for my mental pollution and simply placed the numbers 77 on the back of the house a day after I signed my contract, wich was saying that the address was 79.
I was truly thrilled for seven is my lucky number since the day I can think. And a double seven means the world to me.
While I was doing the Feng Shui lay out for the new home, I realized the entrance is in a pretty good area and painted red, what is a very good color in the Chinese tradition and promises prosperity and success.
More reasons to move in asap.
And even I did a lot to excite myself about the new home and the move there, like finding out if I could somehow fix my hammock in the summer and how comfortably close my new mailbox and the trash container will be, I felt huge resistance and stagnation in every step of my preparation.
So today I decided to have some serious soul conversation to find out more about the blockages and it was very rewarding to check out the past experiences that were not so smooth and were asking for healthy integration.
People often ask me what healthy integration in my view means and my response is m, when we are able to look at things from a higher perspective and recognize the lesson behind it.
As well as when we are able to see and accept all aspects of the experience, the ones we would label positive and the ones we believe were negative.
Integration has a lot to do with yin and yang balance, which in my experience leads to peace.
So today I did some self healing meditation and tried to recall moving- experiences that were maybe traumatic or kind of unhealthy for what ever reasons.
As I have done countless amount of trauma healing work for myself in this embodiment, I did not expect to find too much but of course I did.
First Discovery: Senselessness
The first troubled memory was actually when I moved for the very first time in my life in my early childhood.
It was my immigration from Poland to Germany and it did go quite smoothly but something about it was disturbing.
In my memories I saw my mother with her three little kids, the youngest almost two years old on the central train station, on a cold evening in march of 1983 saying good bye to her older sisters and their families.
Everything that we were allowed to take with us was put in a huge wooden box that went on its own journey with a truck while we checked in a German train with red fake leather, or like we would call them today: "vegan" seats.
I pretty soon felt asleep as we could pull them out to a bed and my sleep has been always very deep but I woke up at the border to Germany in Frankfurt (Oder) as during the control soldiers came into the cabin with their German Schäferhund to look for what an eight years old mind could not comprehend and basically directed their bright lamps right on our sleeping faces.
No one of us could speak their language and understand their instructions, but we realized that we had to get up and leave the cabin for a moment for proper investigation.
So this was basically the kind welcome to my new country home and it was followed by several moves from one immigration camp to the other until we ended up in a tiny flat and continued to wait for our permission to stay permanently.
I guess what was not integrated well within my self, was the lack of sense of leaving my old country, my aunties and friends there for that.
Of course I wanted to see my father again who escaped seventeen month before us, but in my tiny head we should go and pick daddy and simply return home. I did not know about the political circumstances and the reasons why my father suddenly disappeared. I only knew that we have waited for a long time to follow him and that it was a lot of struggle and black money payments to get us there.
I thinks that not fully seeing the greater picture of this current move, made me feel all the resistance I had and the feelings of not wanting, feeling like I am on an escape and also literally feeling frozen for there is no sense to deal with all the heavy work, while all is so good here where I am.
Second Discovery: Loneliness
I did some healing work around the past memories, went on a beautiful walk and caught some fresh air to face another layer of moving- trauma which was related to a move after a break up.
This whole experience truly took away the ground beneath my feet. And there is no need for now to share all details but it was very demanding and I almost did not pass the transformation round.
But after finding a sweet new home for my self in Berlin and doing all the best to make it cozy with basically nothing, as I left all behind in the beautiful home of me and my soulmate, I bought a new antique kitchen table, which would perfectly fit in my new tiny cooking area of the thirty four square meters one room apartment, I prepared myself the first single- meal there, what was handmade polish French fries (my most favorite thing in the world) and I put them in a huge salad bowl in the center of the table. I sat down, grateful for the comfort food and I faced the empty chair on the other side of the table and I started to cry, basically rivers, on the top of my lovingly made fries until they were literally swimming in that bowl. I think I never ever felt so lonely in my life before.
I also think that this move was the first one in the series of almost ten past moves that I have done on my own and I am really hoping, it is going to be the last.
Third Discovery: Fear of Exhaustion
The move that probably was kind of exhausting and left some fear of exhaustion was the one I have done from Berlin to Hamburg in 2014.
On one Monday morning of end of march I received a phone call from my dear mentor at that time Master Teacher Francisco that he saw in a vision that I should move to Hamburg, a city where I already taught some courses and actually already also had planned a Tao Hands Training for that spring.
He confirmed the guidance with my beloved spiritual teacher, Dr and Master Sha and all plans started to take off like an ambulance helicopter.
With the blessings of my beloved teacher I miraculously found a beautiful home near a river and forest and moved there within less then two weeks.
As I had a completely filled work schedule every single day from that Monday until the move, I was doing night shifts online research for homes and packing my five years home office in countless boxes as the German government likes to ask us to keep the accounting documents for ten years.
I thought my tiny flat will sink like Titanic with all the load in one of the corners and I thought I would lose my mind when I realized that I was scheduled to teach healing meditation at Soho Club Berlin for the first time during the entire weekend where I had to actually renovate my old home.
As I did not have a new home then yet, I packed all up and a very dear friend was so kind to arrange that I could store my things already in Hamburg at her parents farm until I find something to move in.
Anyone truly expected that I could find a home so fast as the Hamburg immobilen market is truly a nightmare and the rent is basically three times higher than in Berlin. And yes, I ended up paying three times more, not easy to do with the same salary and I did not have the brain at that time to do the math, all I wanted was a roof above my head.
I was also dancing with the paint for an entire weekend, jumping to the shower, rubbing the colors off , jumping in my yoga pants and biking to teach the class, catching some food to go on the way home and painting the roof of my four meter high ceiling till my arm felt like it did not belong to me, for it was numb and the shoulder made noises like an old storeroom door.
On that Sunday after the last soho dance, heaven finally said that I could look in the profile and I would find my flat when I changed the criteria to a "Suburban Villa" and remove some districts I liked from the criteria. I could not trust my ears but I did what I was guided to and I found the dream home with the next click. I booked a train to visit it on the next day and moved in five days later.
Arriving there in the urban area outside of Hamburg without truly knowing one person there was just a sweet preparation for my immigration to Sweden, a country I never visited before I heard I should move there and with a language which everyone claims to be sooo easy to learn as its sooo similar to the German one, but funnily no one understands me here when I simply speak good old German with them.
After the Hamburg move I have experienced my third intense burn out of my life and stored the impression that moves are simply exhausting and suck out the life force of us.
I realized today that this truly scared me for days as I have just spent a few month of recovery after my last surgery and just recently started to feel more energized and ready to go...but a move was truly the last thing on my mind.
Thinking of these past experiences and the lessons that they brought to me, helped me to release some burden, worries and fears and helped me to open up for move number twenty and to truly focus on and celebrate a new beginning.
I learned a new level of obedience to the guidance and plans heaven has for me and a higher trust in the universe that all that is required from me now is
2. best for me
3. best for my future service on earth
I am grateful for all I can heal deeper on the way and for the possibility to move on, as heaven told me today:"First you have to move on the soul level and then your mind and body will follow."
I have known this teaching for years as it is the foundation of Tao Sience but I have not experienced before in such a way how deeply the body can be blocked to move, even the mind has realized its the best, when the soul is stuck in the past (experiences) that were challenging to the soul at that time.
Taking time even in this troubled time to reflect and to do what was essential to me, to bring things up from the subconsciousness to my awareness through sharing, has also taught me that sometimes a move is arranged for us, so we can finally heal the old wounds that would not have a chance to be healed otherwise.
Hoping for all of you that you will have the portion of trust that you need and the assurance that every move in life is always for our greatest best.